Chile Giggles

Read this page and have a laugh

CHILI COOK-OFF (A story from a guy named Cameron)

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because, no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beerwagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have FREE BEER during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that is the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:

JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Hemlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tatoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it ... Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipeline filled gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at one point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I will just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's exsistence.
CAMERON: Momma......

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Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
You will need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 eggs
2 cups of chopped dried fruit
1 teaspoon of baking soda
2 ½ cups of flour
1 cup of brown sugar
1 ½ teaspoon of vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts
Lemon juice
Bottle of favorite whiskey

Sample whiskey to check for freshness and quality.

Take large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup of whiskey and drink. Repeat.

Turn on electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in the fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer. Break four leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix it on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey for tonsisticity.

Now, sift two cups of salt. Or something….who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now, sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar…or something…whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again, and go to bed.

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New Years Resolutions for 2002

1. In order to understand different cultures, I will not be prejudicial or judgmental against anyone who says "You Guys" instead of "Y'all."

2. I will eat one whole jalapeno a day.

3. When driving on the freeways, I will remain calm and refrain from making gestures involving the middle finger.

4. So that I can increase my vitamin B-12 intake, I will switch from gin and tonic to beer.

5. To become better informed on World events, I will read The National Enquirer, The Globe and The Star every week.

6. In order to exercise more, I will jog to the refrigerator 10 times each day.

7. So that I can have a neater, more orderly life, I shall clean out my closets and throw away my pet rock, acid-wash jeans and Tammy Wynette 8-Tracks.

8. I vow to be more courteous when shopping and to refrain from fistfights at the check-out counter.

9. I resolve to get my car licensed and inspected on time and stop pasting Heinz 57 pickle labels on the windshield.

10. I will lose 40 pounds this year… well maybe30.., err, 20, no, 10..; oh, what the heck, just forget it!

Happy New Year!
God Bless America!

Jalapeno Cafe

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Driver Identification

A handy guide to identifying a driver's geographic origin

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double de-caf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: Los Angeles
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes squeezed shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
  • One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.
  • Both hands clutching wheel, blue hair barely visible aboe window level, doing 35 on the interstate in left lane with left blinker on: Florida.

by Claire Marting in The Dever Post

Texan's Guide to Computer Lingo

  • Hard Drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a load of fertilizer.
  • Keyboard - Place to hang yore truck keys.
  • Window - Place in the truck to hang yore gun.
  • Floppy - When you run out of Polygrip.
  • Modem - How you got rid of yore dandelions.
  • ROM - Right tasty when mixed with Coca Cola.
  • Byte - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
  • Reboot - What to do when the first pair gits covered with barnyard stuff.
  • Network - Activity meant to provide bait for yore trotline.
  • Mouse - Fuzzy, soft thang you stuff in yore beer bottle in order to get a free case.
  • Lan - To borrow as in "Hey Bubba! LAN me yore truck."
  • Cursor - What some ole' boys do when they git mad at their wives or girlfriends.
  • Bit - A wager as in "I bit you cain't spit that thar watermelon seed across the porch longways.
  • Digital Control - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

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